When I heard him say it, I was almost like a teenager hearing her teacher in middle school making all of the kids cringe in their seat with some uncomfortable lesson. At one point I even had a short visual picture of Beyonce dancing in a leotard about scandalous grace like it should be some song. At any rate, besides my poking fun at it I did not care to try and understand it.
The year was 2010 when I heard Bryan Clark address Scandalous Grace and this was the year my husband and I started becoming roommates instead of husband and wife and drifted off into a sea of selfishness. I was focused on designing new stadium expansions, basketball facilities, and volleyball arena renovations. Spending alot of time raveling to Haiti, working late, traveling to see friends and we did not make the effort to have specific time for each other.
After months of standing in what felt like the funnel of a tornado knowing that at some point it was going to hit, but not taking any precaution to protect our marriage from the destruction, life shifted through a series of events and we were finally carried away in a moment of chaos, disorder and then spun off into separate directions with hurting hearts. Just as our emotions separated from each other, we physically separated as well with my husband moving out of our home. Amidst the anger and after the months of separation, we made a joint effort to work on our emotions and issues that we had just been stuffing and stuffing.
A month after my husband moving back in we found ourselves pregnant and to be perfectly honest I was angry. Succumbed by the guilt of feeling that anger, I did not understand God's good and perfect timing. I was so focused on work success with construction projects, and my husband was focused on football and lifting programs...same song, new day.
Instead of processing our emotions, we isolated from each other like strangers (this is called emotional anorexia...starving each other of feelings and emotions to create predicted responses in the other). I am fairly positive I had more open conversations with a stranger on an airplane than we did with each other. Funny how the person you are supposed to be closest to becomes the hardest to talk to. My pregnancy was miserable with nausea, extreme tiredness (yes, I fell asleep with utensils in my hands at dinner) and I was so exhausted, for the first time in over a decade I stopped working out. Everything in life was draining and I was letting it.
After an effort for repair, we just broke open the wound and split yet again in May of 2011 me being 7 months pregnant.
Fools...yes. Childish...yes. Selfish...like a 2 year old crying over a toy. The funny part was, being so sick, I was in the position to have to call on Fred for help. Overwhelmed with the nausea and tiredness, he was reluctantly on speed dial.
After returning from some counseling I found out that an old track coach had passed away and then the next morning found out my best friend had died also.
A sea of emotions and sadness, but that little baby kept me afloat like a life preserver in life preserver in the storm of the century. Not only did I feel like I was on the Titanic and it was sinking...I looked like the Titanic! :)
Where does this bring us to Scandalous grace? Why such a back story? Fred and I through many tools of very intentional living, consistent prayer with each other, getting over ourselves and finally...God's grace, our marriage was restored. Ok, you have the grace part. What about the scandalous? The juicy part...
After Ellie was born she was the most peaceful baby I have ever known. She slept through the night, never cried and for pete's sake, she even only has a "BM" once a week!
I did nothing to deserve her, I held my prayers at times for our future child when I was pregnant. I lived in anger of being pregnant and even at one point of deep sadness and verge of hopelessness thought about giving her up for adoption after she would be born. I didn't think I could handle anything, nor anyone else. And I was right...."I" couldn't, but HE could. My husband and I were absolute idiots to be blunt. Prior to being pregnant with Ellie, we were not making an effort at out marriage, parenting, our health. Financially we did not honor God, nor many areas of our life.
Scandalous Grace is when you absolutely do not deserve anything, not even the dirt beneath your feet and God blesses you anyways. Her birth was a complete gut check and God showed me why I had been sick so I could not live in pride and independence of my spouse, why He had me pregnant during this time of the multiple deaths and what it meant to pursue someone who may not have been pursuing you. What it means to love even when you are not loved back because that is what every second of the day He does for us.
Grace is
free sovereign favor to the ill-deserving. - B.B. Warfield
Ellie's announcement
This topic seemed fitting this week as this coming Thursday will be Ellie's second birthday and 2 years my husband and I have been able to live intentionally pursuing each other to our fullest.
For more resources on marriage and struggles, visit Family Life Marriage Resources and for resources on emotional anorexia here are some fast facts Emotional Anorexia
To our sweet, sweet Ellie Marie...you are more than we deserve and love you! Happy 2nd Birthday :)
Here is a fun workout that mix's aerobic and anaerobic that is sure to give you a full body jilt! This is a intermediate level training session. Enjoy and a reminder one of the most important things you can ever do to help your body is get sleep...Rest Up friends!
- Warm-up (1 mile slow jog/2 minutes stretch)
- Max out push-ups, sit-ups
- 25-50 burpees
- Active rest for no more than 2 minutes (walk around)
- 1 mile run at race pace
- 30-20-10 Hand Release push-ups
- 30-20-10 Air Squats
- 1 mile run race pace
Stretch, hydrate and get some food in your body within 15 minutes of completing you workout (I usually have one granola bar and some water)
Your Mrs. Nebraska International 2013,
Maggi
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